We landed at our friend’s house on the big night. Had a nice Chinese takeaway had a chat and then settled down with some drinks. The telly was turned on, tuned in to BBC1 and enjoyed the show.
The hosts, Greece, put on an opening ceremony that was bizarre and full of sea and sun motifs. I had thought that they were putting on a show for the great Cthulhu as there were a number of people dressed as deep ones (well ok they were dressed as dolphins, but it was close). Lots of singing and dancing in a build up to the show.
Then the two hosts for the evening swooped down onto the stage on wires, very exciting and different. Things were looking up. Then they started speaking, which is always a bad sign as all Eruovision hosts seem to have a really bad transatlantic accent. They introduce last years hottie, I mean winner, Helena Paparizou, gives a rendition of ‘My Number One’ to the home crowd. Very happy shiny people waving flags enthusiastically.
Then the first act. It is six4one from Switzerland. Twee and crap. We felt unmoved. OK it was OK but was far from our high expectations for the Eurovision Song Contest.
Next, Arsenium and Natalia from Moldova. He WAS an Arse and she was very pleasant on the old eyeballs. They sing a funky song, ‘Loca’. They just had to add a hip wit it, dreadlocked rapper doing stereotypical rappery things. Natalia is the star of the performance as she goes through a number of costume changes, with less and less clothing covering her every time she walked behind a sail placed on stage. You can guess we kept yelling at the tv ‘again, again.’ However, the last time she went behind the sail she came out dressed in a wedding dress. Very disappointing.
Israel’s Eddie Butler sang a gospel type song, ‘Together We Are One’. More like ‘Together we will bore the hell out of you’. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
Next was the most evil song ever. Is was a capella song by Cosmos from Latvia. They also looked like thay had Michael Jackson with them doing his usual moonwalking shit. They also had what can be loosely described as a ‘dancing robot’. Major tacky rubbish. We had to take off and nuke them from orbit, it was the only way to be sure.
Norway had Christine Guldbrandsen singing about pixies and fairies and woodland things. Nearly made me puke. Bring in the chainsaws please. Yes, it was a traditional song, which was good performance wise, but on looking at the lyrics I suddenly had this urge to go and chop some trees down, find a pixie and burn its wings off.
Then to Spain and Las Ketchup with their song ‘Bloody Mary’. They were dressed all in red they start their performance slumped on office chairs as two dancers frolic around them. Looked like they were looking to do some ‘business’, if you know what I mean. I rremarked they looked like the Spanish version of the spice girls. I was overruled by one friend who stated ‘No, they are not the spice girls, they are .. … … the Salsa Girls.’ Sure enough there was spicey salsa, hot salsa, chilli salsa and extra chunky salsa. You can make up your own minds which is which.
Malta’s Fabrizio Faniello sang ‘I Do’. Malta has never won the contest, and the reason is clear. SHITE. It was allegedly a dance track with four energetic dancers struting their stuff behind him to try and disguise the fact the song is drivel and he is not a she with few clothes on. Oh, oh, oh what an image. My head is ready to explode. Sparks shot into the air on the key change, which made me happy ‘cause I knew the song was nearly over. Nil point.
Germany’s Texas Lightning, fronted by an Australian singer, provide us eurovisionphiles with an American-influenced country song. Bizarre. Catchy. Luminous cacti. Pink cowboy boots. Grand ol Opry tweeness. Wonderful. Brilliant. We loved it. Well done, Germany.
Denmark went for an American theme with Sidsel’s song ‘Twist of Love’ and giving an image of ‘Happy Days’. Lots of energy, interesting dance moves, not bad. She really looked like the twin sister of Amanda Holden.
Then what must be the gay icon of Russia, it was Dima who sang a crap ballet ballad and had as his diversion a half lady-half piano thing on stage with ballet dancers in the background looking too much like a last minute edition. No naked ladies. It was shite. I wanted to pull out my eyeballs and stuff them in my ears.
Then the song ‘Ninanajna’ by Elena Risteska from FYR Macedonia. It’s a decent enough tune. We all agreed, she was the eastern version of Beyonce with lots of hip gyrataion and bum wiggling. Every prepubescent boys dream. And before you ask I am not prepubescent, but I can dream. Good performance.
Mihai Trăistariu from Romania sings ‘Tornero’. He has a high voice, must be those tight undergarments. Lots of energy. It was OK. Girls were nice-ish. A contender.
‘Layla’ by Hari Mata Hari of Bosnia & Herzegovina was next. It was ok. No real thoughts either way on this one. Good for background music as it is one of those songs that just builds and builds.
Lithuanian band LT United sang ‘We Are The Winners’ with an aggressive, tub-thumping energy that really got us going. Absolute genius. Loved every minute and called for more after they had finished. Which was silly as we were watching TV, so who the hell was going to hear us???? Excellent stuff though.
Then Daz Sampson from the United Kingdom who looks like a thin, energetic Gaza. The song ‘Teenage Life’ had girls in school uniform in it, which is always a good start, but they ended up more like Nora Batty than Britney Speers. ‘No sex please, we’re british’ rang through my head. It is an annoyingly catchy tune, just as the chicken song from Spitting Image was. My warped personality liked it, but only just.
Then it was the turn of Anna Vissi of Greece. Making full use of both a smoke machine and a wind machine, Anna puts her heart and soul into the performance of ‘Everything’, a classic Eurovision ballad full of drama and melodrama. Towards the end, she falls to her knees and sings at the top of her lungs. The audience goes absolutely crazy.
Then, with our anticipation rising like a slow bat out of hell it was the turn of Lordi from Finland. Mr Lordi, we want to get on board your Lordi Express and drive that engine along the tracks of complete success. Mr Lordi was dressed to the hilt with skulls on his kneecaps whose eyes light up red, his microphone is attached to the handle of a battleaxe and he has devil horns protruding from his head. Then there is Amen, the unstoppable mummified assassin guitar wielder of the group. Hope he didn’t give the other contestants tomb rot. Kita is the extra dimensional alien drummer who has the energy and lovability of Animal from the mumpets. Keep banging those drums. Awa is the cute(?) possessed witch, she devil on the keyboards. She actually looks a bit like a deformed Klingon, but what’s that amongst friends, eh? Last but by no means least there is OX ‘the Bulltaurus’ who is the bassist. When I roleplay, especially Werewolf the Apocolypse I have a character called Ox. So I feel a slight, non- stalker affinity with Lordi’s bassist. The athen’s crowd loved them, as did we. You might be able to tell from this post and previous posts, we wanted Lordi to win. Lots of explosions and Mr Lordi growing a pair of wings set the whole thing off nicely. What a performance. Encore. 10/10
Tina Karol from Ukraine was next, which may have been unfair as we were still on a high from the performance of Lordi. Her song ‘Show Me Your Love’ is a nice catchy dance tune. Pretty girl.
Then came the depressing shite from France’s Virginie Pouchain singing a ballad that was bollocks. Yah, boo, sucked. ZZZzzzzzzzzz. Plus she sang in French. The only contestant to do so. All the others either sang in their mother tongue, or, mostly, sang in English.
Croatia was next with Severnia performing ‘Moja štikla’ – Severnia wore a red dress, flamenco style until she obligingly tore it off. MMMmmmmm, nice. She did have a disturbingly wide smile which brought me back to images of ‘V’. Apart from that, a decent show.
Then it was the turn of Ireland’s Brian Kennedy, who sang ‘Every Song Is A Cry For Love’. More like ‘every song he sings which is his own brings in more mullah for him’. It was utterly pretentious shite and Ireland has made it very obvious it does not want to win the Eurovision song contest for a few more years.
Carola from Sweden is a bit of an oldie, but still looks a stunner. Her song ‘Invincible’ was decent even though she looked like she was wrapped in kitchen tinfoil that was then painted gold.
Sibel Tüzün from Turkey then sang ‘Superstar’. She scared me by looking like a Pink/Madonna crossed with a tattooed boxer. The music was ok I think ‘cause all I could think of was her being scary.
Finally came a bondage inspired song by Andre of Armenia. It was a bizarre mix of dancing around a box/table and being tied up in knots. It was Ok but not terribly impressed by it all.
Then came the voting after another rendition of a song by last year’s winner and the two hosts telling everybody over and over how ‘amazing’ everybody is. They looked like bunny rabbits caught in the headlights of an oncoming juggernaught. If only.
The voting took place in due course over 10 minutes. I made a few calls for Finnland and Lithuania.
At the end of the 10 minutes the usual tour round the countries started. We were shocked at first at how well Lordi were doing. Then it became clear that we were all on the Lordi Express to Winsville.
Lordi came out top with 292 points, 44 points ahead of their nearest rival, Russia.
Lordi came. Lordi rocked. Lordi conquered.